Most people love the Christmas holidays and consider them a great opportunity to spend time with family and loved ones. However, not all people rejoice in this prospect. In anticipation of the holidays, they begin to think seriously about whether they need the existing ones. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why people break up with each other after winter and summer holidays.
But how to understand that now is a time when it’s time to say goodbye with a partner and start building a new relationship?
the Psychologist Lamars Veronica (Veronica Lamarche) from the University of Essex in his article, published in the journal the Conversation, offers to start to try a fairly well-known method: make a list of pros and cons of the relationship. Perhaps this tip will seem to someone banal, but it really works and helps to take this very difficult step.
the Study 2018 notes Lamars showed that most people can easily handle this task. In was attended by 447 people. The responses of the volunteers helped scientists to determine 27 the reasons for which people usually want to save the relationship.
most Often, the partners valued the emotional and physical intimacy and getting financial benefits from cohabitation.
At the same time, the loss of trust, dissatisfaction in sexual life, a large number of conflicts, dislike of the partner’s identity often became the reason for the gap.
Lamars wondered what tips the scales in one direction or another and causes some people to save and others to move on.
As explained by the researcher, the investment model is one way by which scientists are trying to understand what helps a person to make a decision. According to this model, three factors equally affect the decision to save or destroy the relationship.
first, the satisfaction of them. It is a measure of how many advantages he sees in relations with its partner in comparison with minuses.
the Model also takes into account the fact how much effort was made in building relationships that will soon be broken. Speech can go as about a financial investment (shared Bank accounts, homes and other assets) and “investment” in children, friends or relatives.
the Third factor Lamars calls as alternatives. In this case, the psychologist offers opportunities to start a new relationship, as well as friends and relatives, which often do not have time. It also includes a hobby. Simply put, we are talking about the sources of pleasure outside the relationship.
According to the investment model, says the psychologist, the first two factors usually tip the balance toward preservation of relationships, alternatives in the other direction.
If a person feels satisfied in their relationship, puts them in a lot of effort and energy and understands that the alternatives pale in comparison with what he already has, he is unlikely to take the decision about the separation.
But if he does not feel happy with a partner, a little “investing” in the current relationship and understands that the alternative to win, then it’s more likely that you will meet new year a free man.
According to Lamarsh, it is necessary to consider another important factor: fear.
Often people understand the benefits of a new relationship, but they continue to cling to the old. In this case, they are afraid to hurt your current partner or fear of possible harm that they cause to the rupture itself. Still, separation is always associated with stress, adds the psychologist.
moreover, some people fear loneliness. As a result, they “settle for less” and remain in better relations due to the lack of clear alternatives. All this is also closely linked to feelings of regret, for which people maintain a relationship, even if intuition and the rational telling them about the need to break them.
in addition to twow, single people are often cause companies compassion (some even embarrassing to eat in public alone). Thus, the people can themselves and not be afraid of loneliness, but a cultural and social norms can keep them in an unhappy relationship.
What to do if one begins to speculate about a possible breakup? In this case Lamars advises to think about three things. What are the good sides have these relations? What you put in them? What are the alternatives?
Also, you should think about what role the fear plays. People can always try to rekindle the spark in a relationship. But is it right to be with someone just because of fear of loneliness?
If people still decided to swim (or the decision was made for him), how not to turn into a sobbing Bridget Jones?
first, writes Lamarsh, should find solace in friends and family. Support of loved ones helps to overcome the painful stage.
Also, you should think about all the lessons learned in these relationships (by the way, this will help not to make mistakes during a new love story).
it is Also important to see the bright side of loneliness (he, too, has its advantages). In addition, in this difficult period is to focus on yourself, your goals and needs, concludes a psychologist.
By the way, earlier researchers found that all relationships develop in four scenarios, and identified the basic feature of a happy relationship.
“Conduct.Science” (nauka.vesti.ru) also wrote about why new beloved is often similar to the former. We talked about the best way to start a conversation on a Dating site, and the secret to a perfect compliment.
Text: To.Science